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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759370">in madness lies sanity</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/intersectts/pseuds/intersectts'>intersectts</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Suits (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Feels, Down the rabbit hole, F/M, Slow Romance, Suits Prompts, Time Loop, character study ish, groundhog day-esque situation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:41:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759370</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/intersectts/pseuds/intersectts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>His penultimate thought before succumbing to sleep is, if he had another opportunity, would he be able to do better, would he be able to make them right? (4.16)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Donna Paulsen &amp; Harvey Specter, Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in madness lies sanity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>via SuitsPrompts on Twitter, "Harvey has to live the same day over and over until he gets it right with Donna"</p><p>I went with 4.16, Not Just a Pretty Face, because who doesn't love a bit of angst right?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <strong>.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>.</strong>
</p><p>"<em>Love me how?" </em></p><p>For a lawyer, Harvey has a way with words, he's used to thinking on the spot, spinning a tale in front of a courtroom full of strangers, persuading them to believe whatever it is he's arguing. He doesn't lose often and he cowers less, not the one to feel weak or intimidated. But right now, with Donna towering over him, both demanding and pleading he explain his feelings for her, all he wants to do is hide as his brain and mouth fail to give her a reason she deserves.</p><p>He feels trapped, trapped by the four walls of his office, trapped behind his desk, and trapped by his unexplainable feelings for Donna. The excuses just fall out of his mouth, telling her he didn't mean it like that, saying he said it to make her feel better. It's a cop-out, he knows, and he deserves her fury. There's not one part of him that doesn't know Donna deserves a real answer, one day.</p><p>But Harvey knows that day is not today.</p><p>He watches her leave, then return just to leave him all over again. She doesn't let him get a full sentence out before she announces she's leaving him to work for Louis. And even though Harvey feels like the ground caves from underneath him, he can't find the words to ask her not to walk away.</p><p>As Harvey lies awake in bed that night, counting sheep until sleep takes him, he wishes that he'd been ready to tell her everything, to answer her truthfully. His penultimate thought before succumbing to sleep is, if he had another opportunity, would he be able to do better, would he be able to make them right? His last thought was the answer, how he'll never know.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Harvey wakes up slowly, alone, eyes briefly scanning the empty space beside him as he rubs sleep and the memory of the day before from his eyes and mind. Rising slowly, his head and heart are both still heavy after the weighted conversations with Donna the day before. Nothing about the previous day seemed real, from finding out Norma had died to Donna pressing him for an explanation of his love for her, to her walking away from him, his desk.</p><p>He goes through his day as if on auto-pilot, barely paying attention to anything going on around him. He gets his coffee from the same stand he always does, grabs a bagel he can't stomach eating as he passes random, but familiar people on route to his office. It's all a blur and Harvey can only attribute it to the shock of the day before and this new reality, his first day without Donna as his secretary.</p><p>"Where've you been all day?" He asks automatically when Donna steps into his office, like she still worked for him and owed him an answer. Truth be told, he's struggled the whole day, eyes gazing at her empty desk, imaging her sitting at it.</p><p>Now she's there before him and Harvey can't help but feel like something is off. And then she says it.</p><p>"Norma passed away.."</p><p>"Norma died?" Harvey repeats in confusion, ever so certain that Norma had died once already, yesterday, and Donna had already told him such. "That's terrible."</p><p>"I thought you couldn't stand her?"</p><p>"I couldn't but I assumed Louis loved-" And then he stops because his mouth is reciting the same words he said yesterday and it's becoming even harder for him to shake that weird feeling of déjà vu. Not when he knows what Donna's about to say before she even says it.</p><p>"Oh, because she was his secretary he <em>must</em> have loved her."</p><p>It's like Harvey's soul leaves his body and he's watching the scene play out, he can faintly hear Donna continuing her speech, and hear himself reply in response. But it feels like he's submerged under water and the more he tries to make sense of it, the blurrier and more lost he becomes.</p><p>He's not sure how long they go on until he hears Donna's hand slam down loudly on his desk, refocusing his attention back to her and the present.</p><p>"Are you even listening to me?"</p><p>"Something's wrong…"</p><p>"You're unbelievable." Donna snorts, pacing back and forth, before coming to a stop, hands on her hips. "Does something have to be wrong for me to want us to <em>finally </em>define what this is between us?"</p><p>"No Donna.. we've done this before…"</p><p>"No Harvey, <em>we </em>haven't. Because you're afraid to risk anything."</p><p>"Donna…" He thinks about standing but knows his legs won't be able to handle the weight of him, there's already so much strain on his body, heart and mind. "I…"</p><p>She waits for him to finish his sentence, eyebrow raised, in expectation of <em>something.</em></p><p>Nothing happens, the words die in his throat as he stares back.</p><p>And then she leaves, again.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Harvey had gone to sleep the night before perturbed, unable to sleep, thinking about Donna and their fight, her leaving him <em>twice </em>now. The days had started and ended the same and he's not sure if he could take it again, to see the hurt in her eyes, to feel his soul leave his body with every step she took to distance herself from him.</p><p>When Harvey gets to the firm later that day, he barely pays attention to anything, that is until Donna storms into his office and Harvey's suddenly breathless because the events that had kept him awake last night, seemed to be happening again.</p><p>"Ok Donna...What's wrong?" He says, not realising that she would answer the same way she did the day before. How could she know that he wasn't asking <em>her </em>the question again, but asking the universe to explain why they were back here again for the third day in a row.</p><p>"How about we start with the fact that I have been wondering for the last ten hours, if you're going to acknowledge what happened last night. But you're you, so of course you're not."</p><p>"Are you messing with me?" The words leave his mouth before he has a chance to stop them, to think of a more tactful route. Even in his confusion, Harvey knows that Donna would not bring this conversation up every day just to torture him, to torture herself.</p><p>"<em>What?</em>" Her eyes are as wild as the word that drips out of her mouth, half hiss, half whisper.</p><p>"We've had this conversation already, yesterday…" Harvey's eyes search hers and he feels his throat getting tighter when she stares back, incredulous.</p><p>"No Harvey," She steps closer and Harvey feels like shrinking back into his seat, "What I know, is <em>something </em>happened. And you ran away, but not before you told me you love me."</p><p>"<em>Donna!</em>" Harvey's sure his own eyes must be as wild as hers, because yesterday may have been a dream, he thought he may have been living in a memory, but this now feels like he's trapped in a nightmare.</p><p>"Why are you doing this?" He whispers, hands clutching his desk</p><p>"Why…" Donna's hand curls into a fist at her side as her voice drops lower, "What did you just say to me? You think I <em>want </em>to do this?"</p><p>"I don't know!" He yells back, "But Donna, we've had this conversation before…"</p><p>"No Harvey, <em>we </em>haven't. We just pretend like we've defined this thing between us and I don't want to ignore it anymore. I want to know…"</p><p>"Know what?" Harvey's mind is spinning as he asks both her and the universe the question, because all <em>he </em>needs to know right now, is what on Earth is going on.</p><p>Donna's silent for a moment, to study him and for a moment, he thinks helplessly, maybe she realises they've done this before. Maybe she'll say something and maybe, just maybe, the day won't end with her walking away.</p><p>"How you look at me Harvey…" She throws up her hands in frustration, "How you love me!"</p><p>"Donna…" He sighs and whatever hopes he had about her ending this torment are dashed. "I…"</p><p>Harvey sits back and waits for the inevitable.</p><p>"What I do know is I don't want your pity."</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>
  <em>"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat, "We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."</em>
</p><p>As a child, Harvey never believed in curses or fairytales, or happily ever after, but he can't help but think of the stories his mother used to read to him before he went to bed. That is, before his family were torn apart. Is this current hell he's living in madness? Harvey's tried to rationalise it all, thinking maybe he hit his head and this is the place his subconscious has retreated to while his body lies hooked up to machines in a hospital, fighting to return to the land of the living. Or, he thinks that Donna leaving that first time really caused him to lose his mind and he's pumped full of drugs in a different kind of hospital, reliving the torment that way.</p><p>Either way, he supposes, he doesn't have any choice but to continue until he wakes up or goes insane. When Donna walks into his office yet again, part of him supposes the latter may have already occurred.</p><p>"Because obviously you don't just look at me this way, you're capable of looking at me that way…"</p><p>Harvey begins daydreaming, familiar words leaving his lips on queue, and he wonders what he looks like to her. A madman, a fool, a coward. He's sure it's a mixture of all three.</p><p>"Donna, I don't look at you <em>that </em>way," Harvey tries desperately, "I love you like a brother loves his sister.."</p><p>The words leave a burning, sour taste in his mouth that not even the bottle of whisky he later downs can get rid of. Harvey's not sure why he said it, why he thought running further from the truth would work out better for him.</p><p>As soon as the word 'sister' leaves his mouth, Donna's eyes widen and she looks at him like he's a wild, captive animal. And he feels like he is. Except in place of silver bars he's caged by his own feelings, trapped in this miserable purgatory.</p><p>"A <em>sister</em>?" Donna spits the word out.</p><p>"Donna… I…" For the best closer in the city, he can't even find the words to defend himself. He knows the thoughts he has late at night, of her legs wrapped tightly around his waist and of his head buried in the cavern of her chest. It's nothing like how a brother loves his sister.</p><p>He wants to close his eyes, throw up a shield as Donna stands, eyes piercing his mind, but he doesn't, he tries to stare her down. Harvey knows it was a mistake to do so, because now he can see how she sees him - a liar.</p><p>When she returns again much later, to leave him once more, she walks away from a man even more unsure of himself, a man who doesn't know if he's even worthy enough to love her.</p><p>
  <strong>.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>.</strong>
</p><p>
  <strong>.</strong>
</p><p>On the fifth day, Harvey doesn't get out of bed. Instead, he squeezes his eyes shut, wishing for sleep to take him. It doesn't, something else he apparently has no control of.</p><p>So he stays in bed, staring at the ceiling and hoping it caves down on him, or the ground would open up and swallow him whole. He's been doing this for a week now and he didn't think it could hurt more each cycle, watching Donna's pained eyes plead with his, hearing <em>that </em>question, seeing her walk away.</p><p>Harvey tells himself the dull ache in his head is to do with the bottle of whisky he'd downed the night before. He doesn't want to explain the ache in his heart. Or why he doesn't reply to anyone's texts or calls, because he hasn't had one from <em>her. </em></p><p>He tells himself it doesn't matter, nothing is real anymore anyway. At some point he'll fall asleep and the cycle will start fresh, with no one but him burned by the memory of the days before.</p><p>Late in the afternoon, Harvey ends up throwing his phone at the wall, watching it shatter into multiple pieces and scatter around the room, unravelling and breaking like he feels his mind has already done. A part of him, one buried deep down, knows there's no use for such a device if the one person he wants to call, to text, hasn't. He doesn't care that Louis and Mike, and even <em>Rachel, </em>had tried to get in contact with him.</p><p>It's about <em>her, </em>and how his fingers had itched to initiate contact but his brain told them no.</p><p>
  <em>So you're saying you want everything?</em>
</p><p>As Harvey lies there alone and wallowing in self-pity, he refuses to acknowledge why her silence hurts more than the last four days combined. And he pretends not to feel the dull emptiness inside him, how he feels like instead of having everything, he has <em>nothing </em>without her.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Harvey loses count after that, or he decides to stop counting, waking up day after day and nothing changes. No matter what he does, what he says, whether he denies it or tells her he loves her, it all ends and starts the same. Harvey's not sure why he feels like he's losing more than just his mind with every day, and he hates to lose. He fights for others for a living, he's fought for her in the past, but when it comes to <em>facing </em>her, all he can do is run away and throw up his defences.</p><p>As each day comes and goes, Harvey feels even more suffocated because he's not one who enjoys being backed into a corner, always wanting to do things on his own terms. Everything about this experience makes him want to lash out, makes him want to explode.</p><p>So he does.</p><p>The next few days are quite possibly the worst, because Harvey decides the only person he can take his anger out on is the person he thinks caused this all to begin. Donna.</p><p>So when she asks him again, <em>how </em>he loves her<em>, </em>he shouts back that how dare she ask, when she's the one who established the parameters of their relationship all those years ago. How <em>she's </em>the one who created the rule, and exempted everyone but him.</p><p>He flips the question back on her, "How do you love <em>me, </em>Donna?"</p><p>And then proceeds to tell her perhaps he loves her more, that <em>he's </em>the one who respects her rule more than she does, because he's not the one pushing for an answer or hosting a candlelight dinner between <em>friends. </em>When he's finished, chest heaving, Harvey knows he's made the biggest mistake yet. Because Donna's standing there so utterly broken that he can barely describe it. It looks like someone is physically reaching into her chest, grabbing and squeezing her heart, before ripping it out and crushing it to dust. And her look of absolute devastation makes him want to disappear because <em>he's</em> the one with his hand in her chest, destroying her.</p><p>So he does, he disappears.</p><p>He runs, hides in his apartment and these days make him feel worse. They feel longer, emptier without her and Harvey finds himself craving the heartache just so he can see her in the flesh and try to do better, to make amends for the horrific things he's said.</p><p>
  <em>I did that because I wanted to make you feel better.</em>
</p><p>Harvey thinks a lot about that first reason he gave her and how much of a hypocrite it makes him that the only person who'd make <em>him </em>feel better right now is Donna. It's those thoughts that force him to hide under his duvet, wrapping it around him as he closes his eyes shut, trying to control his breathing before it spirals out of control. Because it scares him, that another person can have such an influence over his life, that somewhere along the way, he's completely surrendered control of a part of him to her and he hadn't even realised.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>It could be the tenth of twentieth day, Harvey doesn't know anymore, but he's decided he's had enough of words, of thinking and talking. Of course he loves Donna, that's never been disputed. He <em>does </em>think of her that way, her lips and smile haunt his waking mind, while he can still feel her soft, smooth skin at the end of his fingertips, like a phantom limb he only briefly had the luxury of feeling.</p><p>He thinks maybe he doesn't need to say it, that he can <em>show </em>her that he can look at her that way.</p><p>"You don't want to let those worlds collide because you're afraid to risk anything…"</p><p>Instead of telling her they have everything, Harvey propels himself from his seat towards her, faltering every so slightly when she stumbles back, looking wildly from him to the glass walls of his office.</p><p>He's undeterred, crowding her into the corner of his office, hidden and away from prying eyes. He raises his hand to gently cup her face, they're standing so close he could count her individual eyelashes.</p><p>"Please," Donna breathes and Harvey feels the word against his lips more than he hears it, "<em>Don't."</em></p><p>Harvey freezes, his lips no longer on a collision course with hers, because he hadn't expected <em>this. </em>He thought this is what she wanted, <em>everything</em>.</p><p>He barely registers her slipping out from between him and the wall, nearly misses her hand reaching up to her eyes, shakily wiping the tears from them.</p><p>"I just want you to…" She doesn't finish her sentence and as soon as he's sure she's gone, Harvey's fist meets the wall before him and he hangs his head in shame and despair.</p><p>He still doesn't know what he's supposed to do.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Harvey thinks he finally has lost his mind, because how did he ever think that he could just kiss her and he'd awaken from this nightmare like this were Sleeping Beauty. For one of the very few times in his adult life, Harvey feels like it's all spiralled out of control and it frustrates him, because he <em>always </em>has an answer, a plan B through Z, and he always knows how to fix things.</p><p>Except this, except them.</p><p>A part of him feels like he could solve this if he could just think more, if he just had more time.</p><p>Fortunately for him, time is something he has an abundance of.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Harvey begins to think more about their story, from the moment in the bar that night they first met, how he hadn't wanted just sex from her, how he'd been intrigued by her forwardness and confidence. He thinks about the other time, how it had exceeded all his wildest fantasies and how he still moans her name late at night when he's alone - and sometimes, more embarrassingly, when he's not. And then he thinks about the diner where, before he told her about the job, he'd noticed a fleeting look of <em>something</em> on her face that he hadn't wanted to register. But now he knows that expression looked like disappointment. Disappointment in <em>him, </em>and though they've aged, he can still see that same look on her face every time he closes his eyes.</p><p>
  <em>Anyone else ever loses faith in me, it doesn't matter. But with you, it's different.</em>
</p><p>He spends hours thinking about their relationship, how what they have is different to anything he's ever had with anyone else. Harvey thinks about all the times Donna's put him above herself, above everyone else. Because he's different to her too and she's been able to show it more. He thinks about the mock trial, when she hadn't been able to answer Louis' question and then let himself believe that she'd done everything for him out of loyalty, rather than love. But replaying that memory now, he knows he was wrong.</p><p>Harvey thinks about how angry he was when he found out Donna was dating Stephen, how much it bothered him. And how it bothered him more that he hadn't wanted to confront why it did, and Donna hadn't challenged him then. Just accepted his silence, accepted that whatever it was they were, was all they could be at the time.</p><p>They're back in his office again, with him watching her leave and he doesn't know why she didn't do it sooner. Harvey starts thinking about how much Donna had given up for him, or how much he'd taken: her acting career, social life here and there when they had to stay late to work on a brief, her happiness. A chance for them.</p><p>And what, he thinks, has he ever really given up for her?</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Harvey thinks it feels funny to say that he's stuck in a rut, when that's all he's been feeling for god knows how long. But this time, it feels different, even more frustrating. He's been trying to figure out what exactly he'd given up for Donna, and aside from part of his salary - which she deserved anyway - his mind draws a blank.</p><p>And isn't that what love really is? Being able to give up part of oneself to another, to surrender control of your happiness and future, to share life with someone and make decisions <em>together. </em>To risk it all in the hope that the person who holds your heart in their hands, won't crush it, and won't do anything but protect it.</p><p>Harvey thinks that until she'd told him otherwise, he really thought he did have everything, because he never once thought he could trust someone so vulnerably, so completely with his heart.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>For the first time since this had all begun, Harvey had been counting down the hours, the minutes, until the next time Donna walked into his office. No longer dreading the moment because maybe, he'd been overcomplicating the answer. Maybe he just needed to say it.</p><p>So when she enters his office once again and asks her question, he answers with the truth.</p><p>"I do love you Donna," Harvey says confidently, "Like you love me."</p><p>He waits expectantly for something to change, for the air to feel different or the world to start spinning again. But Donna just looks at him like all the other times and everything between them still feels frozen.</p><p>She still walks out just as before.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Once again, Harvey feels himself being pulled out of sleep and he squeezes his eyes shut because yesterday should have been different - he <em>told </em>her he loved her the same.</p><p>But then he feels it, smells it. The feel of another body tucked against him, the faint smell of strawberry shampoo wafting through the air.</p><p>He shakily raises his arm, the one not weighed down by the soft, sleeping form, to reach out in search of skin, of reassurance. The sound of a low moan fills the air and Harvey's more sure he's not dreaming, and the object of his mind and holder of his heart is in bed next to him.</p><p>"Harvey?" She says softly and he can hear the sleepy confusion in her voice, feel the shift in weight beside him. But still, his eyes remain closed.</p><p>"Am I dreaming?" He whispers, afraid that if he opens his eyes, she'll disappear in a flash.</p><p>"Not anymore…" The voice replies and something compels him to turn his head and slowly open his eyes. The sight of Donna, bare, wrapped in a sheet and in his bed, gazing lovingly at him, makes his heart skip a beat.</p><p>"Hi…"</p><p>Donna smiles shyly in response, "Hi…everything okay?"</p><p>"I just…" Harvey pauses, taking in her soft, innocent eyes. "I just had this nightmare, over and over."</p><p>"It's okay now, you're awake…"</p><p>"It felt so real…" He runs a hand down her back, reassuring himself that she's there with him, that <em>this </em>isn't a dream.</p><p>Donna doesn't say anything, just flings a leg over his body so that she's straddling him. Leaning down to kiss his lips, his face, Harvey forgets about everything as he rises to meet her. Hands exploring her skin, swallowing her smile and soft giggles as he flips them around, moving his body over hers.</p><p>He finally feels like everything is clear because this is all he wants forever.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>Heavy and sated, Harvey turns on his side, a smile on his face as he reaches a hand out to the space beside him, searching for her soft skin. When his hand meets cold sheets, his eyes fly open in panic as he stares at the familiar empty space beside him.</p><p>
  <em>You're really gonna let us get away with murder for your secretary?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You're damn right I am. And if I had to do it again, I'd do it a hundred times.</em>
</p><p>Harvey sits up in bed like he's had a bucket of ice water thrown over him, because he hadn't understood before, the depth of his love for her. He'd tried to think of anything he'd given up for Donna in the past, and he thought his list wasn't long. But now he knows he would give up absolutely everything, his morals, his job, his license, just for her - and it wouldn't be a sacrifice.</p><p>That, he finally understands, is love.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>The journey to the firm is a quick, but quiet one. Harvey taps his hand to his leg as Ray drives him through the quiet streets. On the elevator ride up, he doesn't think about what he's going to say, or wonder if the day will end any differently than the countless days before. No, Harvey just has one thing on his mind, finding Donna.</p><p>His feet take him as if on autopilot, not knowing where exactly she is but like being guided by a compass, knowing he'll find her.</p><p>"Donna," He breathes, her head turns, loose locks flying and she looks like a dream. "I love you."</p><p>"Harvey?" Her hands reach out, holding onto the edge of a desk.</p><p>"I understand now, my love for you. It's not like a friend or sister, or <em>cousin, </em>or how Louis loved Norma. I love you like…" He pauses because there's really no comparison of his love for her, how he needs her like the air his lungs need to breathe, and he's so sure of that fact now, like he's sure the sun will rise and fall with each passing day.</p><p>"Nothing and no one is more important to me than you."</p><p>Harvey thinks about how he wants to share his whole life with her, to wake up to her every morning and be the last thing he sees before he goes to sleep, how he wants to live <em>that </em>over and over again instead.</p><p>"I should have told you last night, and so many times before. But I'm not scared anymore, of risking it…"</p><p>He stops because he doesn't know if he's making any sense, but he's finally realised that he'd been thinking about her question all wrong. He thought he had to say something or do something to explain how he loved her. But all Harvey really needed to do was believe it himself, to see that everything he's done in the past and everything he's willing to do in the future, for her, is because of his deep, incomparable love for Donna.</p><p>"I need to think…" Her voice is sad as her eyes pierce his even sadder soul, and as she brushes past him, he finally understands how deafening it is to not hear those words back.</p><p>.</p><p>When Donna enters his office again, Harvey braces himself for the question again, resigned in the sad fact that this is his life now and there's nothing he can do except be trapped in this cycle.</p><p>Until, he hears it.</p><p>"Do you really mean it?" She whispers and his head shoots up, eyes meeting hers.</p><p>It's not the same.</p><p>"I do."</p><p>She pauses and it's quiet, unnerving. Harvey knows all the other scenarios, he knows how they end, with her walking away and the day resetting once again. But this, this feels like something and he doesn't want to get his hopes up that maybe he's finally done something right.</p><p>So he waits.</p><p>"Okay." She smooths down her dress and Harvey finds himself watching the action until he realises, she's still there.</p><p>It's new but he's not scared, because she's standing there smiling at him and it's awkward and innocent and everything he's never had before and nothing he could have imagined.</p><p>Instead of walking out, she walks over to his couches and he follows, grabbing two glasses and the bottle of whisky on his way. Their fingers touch when he hands her a glass and just like that, Harvey feels the world start moving again.</p><p>Everything is finally different.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>.</p><p>"<em>This is the most powerful thing that can be done: surrender. See. And love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me. Do anything you like with me. See. So that's quite mad because you see, it's letting things get out of control. All sensible people keep things in control…What is really sensible, is to let go, is to commit oneself, to give oneself up and that's quite mad. So we come to the strange conclusion that in madness lies sanity."</em></p><p>
  <em>- Alan Watts</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My mind took me places with this prompt and I'm sure my high school English teachers will love the OTT-ness of it all! I truly hope it's clear what I tried to do, show the complexity and depth of this love. I had this question in mind as I wrote: how could Harvey break the cycle, the 'curse', if he didn't believe in or understand his love for Donna? If he couldn't see that his past, present and possible future actions (I'd do it a hundred times more), were because of this deep love, and it wasn't a matter of him saying the 'right words' or showing her that he loved her, all he had to do was stop resisting and brace it, to fully lose himself in it.</p><p>I did start a part 2, from Donna's POV, so uh, let me know your thoughts on that, and as always, thank you for reading :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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